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2 years ago
Versus
Its an internal conflict.
An emotional longing to be accepted, gratified, sought, loved..
And yet, this barrier denies me access to the very things I yearn for. It is as if the thought itself, the search, is what makes me content: its an empty feeling. I know what I want, what I’m looking for. And it feels attainable.
…But when the opportunity presents itself, I seem to revert back to myself. Remain independent, in-compassionate, unaware, focused, whatever you want to call it.
I still call it lonely.
I fall into an unforgiving cycle. Perhaps its a byproduct of the clash between my current nature to accept the rewards or consequences of my decisions: whatever the outcome, and the emotional understanding I’ve developed of the perspectives of another. I cannot feasibly force myself to take on that kind of responsibility with a lax approach and ignore the emotions of another human being with a risk that could end disastrously.
But I am not a man of regret. I cannot carry on wondering what could have been. So I maintain a closeness as far away as possible. I still have an clear vision of where I’m going and what I’m doing and possibly with whom. I just don’t know why I hesitate like this.. I hope that I can slowly tear down that barrier brick by brick. Maybe it is an admission of fear? I’m not quite sure.
Just putting my faith in the unknown. Its taken care of me thus far.
Notes
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