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2 years ago
Transgression
It’s been a lot of months since I relayed my thoughts down this avenue. What I’ve been doing these recent months could justify it, but I’ll leave that for another session in the future.
What’s been on my mind lately though has been kind of tugging at my inner conscience.
As I grow through my experiences and daily interactions, I’ve developed a deeper understanding of my own contentment and learned to rein it in. I know of my own instinct to increase the boundaries of my obligations and the developed ability to chisel away at unnecessary or unproductive interferences.
Then I came to realize once more what it was that my end goal is: I want to be happy. When I “grow up”, finish this college thing, and finally get into the dreaded redundancy of the American dream, I know a large part of what I’m looking forward to is the relationships I’ve built with my family: my wife, my kids, my friends.
But… this seems to contradict the very aspect that has kept me driven for what seems like the past 10 years of my life (but in actuality, I’ve only been in California for 2.) In my pursuit of success and wealth, sacrifice is the pavement of my mobility. And the relationships I seem to build are relinquished in favor of the translucent horizon.
Almost every time I give my life story, I’m asked how I could possibly up and give way to everything I knew or loved at the drop of a dime. Then with the utmost confidence and a snippet of arrogance, I tell them that I did it for my future opportunities. I still valued the loved ones I had; yet I left. I am better now than what I was, but at a great cost.
I had another great discussion with my other coworker, whom I both love and despise, who put it to me bluntly. In a casual conversation, I talked about my discontent with my current job, which then spiraled into an analysis of my habitual decision-making. He pointed out the way I move from one thing to another, giving way to the people once more. I’ve done it before; what’s to say I wont keep doing it?
I’ll leave my job as manager, on to “better” opportunities and more “experience.” I’ll cross into this fraternity, and eventually I’d move onto another organization. I’ll graduate college, and leave all the friends and contacts I’ve made. I’d move out of state and lose all touch with those here in California. I’d eventually become so consumed by my career that I’d leave my family behind … And it comes to this point, where I’d look back in hindsight and ask myself what was worth it.
What is it that pushes me away from people I “care” for so much? Is it presumably because of the discontent with any eventual current circumstance?
Then, he said: Perhaps this is why you’ve been single for quite some time now. What are you searching for? You’re platonic relationships fail just as if you had no romantic ones.
I take things as they come, that’s the kind of philosophy I’ve been engrained with. Lately, I’ve been handling things with care. I show so much love to the people around me, maybe its to compensate for my lack there of.
Notes
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