1. 1 year ago 

    Set up to Fail

    I haven’t stopped to think in 6 months.

    It has all been a continuous stream of events. Trying to keep pace with a self-inflicted, masochistic palette of responsibilities.  And I reveled in it. Lavished in the fact that I was doing so much for myself.  I felt proud and accomplished that I was on top of this 20-something year old hierarchy.  I challenged myself with a full-time life. And was largely successful. 

    But as time passed, I did not receive the same sense of satisfaction from my accomplishments. I had only a couple of moments to enjoy before the next task enveloped my focus.

    I’m finding it hard to relive memories. Or recall occasions which I had previously took time to admire and appreciate. I enjoyed using this as an avenue for reflection so that I could figure out how my own brain worked, or why I do the things that I do. 6 months of no communication can leave a void that needs to be filled. 

    I found that in someone else. And I really laid myself out in open trust. I don’t come across love very often. But it was worth the high and eventual hard crash at the end. Love hurts, thats for sure. 

    I kept my plate full since the onset of the new year. School, work, girl, friends, fraternity, family, late nights, no sleep, 14k miles traveled. Something was bound to collapse. And a lot of it did, I’m just thankful I have the foundation of people around me to keep me sane with support. 1.5 GPA? Worst in academic career. Ever. 

    Allowing me to come to terms with myself is an admittance of failure that I’ve been yearning for, for a while. But its a breath of fresh air that’s needed to revert my own state of mind to the individual who I was most ecstatic to be. As I sit here in a newly cleaned room(that has been ground zero of filth for a couple of months now), I can finally give myself the mental rest my dad told me about. 

    Subconsciously, I’ve been listening to one of my mentor’s advice. Set yourself up with the intention to fail. But I have been doing that for a while now, its just now is the first time I’ve come down hard. 

    Its the aftermath of seclusion that spawns the seed to rise and regrow. Thinking this is how God wants me to live my life. Gotta get high just to balance out the lows. 

  2. Notes

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I mean while I'm here, I might as well
 
 

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